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Archive for October, 2004

It was a cold, dark, starless night …

The moon shone in its entirerity … bathing the ground below … in its cold ambient light …

A bat flew off … screeching … announcing its departure to all those who cared to listen …

The lone ranger, rode up to the edge of the cliff which looked down below at the monkey kingdom …

This quest had to be completed tonight … he thought … it had been a very long and tiring journey …

50 mighty warriors … had set off on this quest a week ago … and now only one hurdle remained …

Many of them had crossed this hurdle … those who had ridden earlier … and had reached the kingdom early …

The lone ranger was amongst the remainder … there were only a handful left …

They had battled difficult terrains, accomplished three other quests … and were on the eve of their victory … or so they thought …

On their way here, they had braved the COrinthian challenges, solved the Cape Province Problems … and managed to send Signals to their allies announcing of their approach, a 100 miles away …

And now, with only the final quest remaining, they marched bravely to the Monkey King.

Now, the monkey king was a very peculiar creature …

He was, like, a monkey of course … but also has some form of human emotions … that of egoism and self respect …

Throughout the year, the monkey king entertained his audience … like a clown in a circus … and now that he knew, he had his chance, wanted to hike up his importance … however little that it may be … a notch higher …

When the men approached the Monkey King for his prized seals … he became suddenly happy at the fact that he was finally receiving some importance in his otherwise, sad and really disappointing life …

He agreed to give the seal to the men … if they agreed to do his bidding …

Seeing no other alternative, the men agreed to his wishes and did his bidding …

But now seeing that the men had become submissive, the monkey king’s ego grew a bit more … so when the men came back to him, he sent them off again … disagreeing to recognize the mens’ work … and asked them to do it all over again …

The men were exasperated … but they needed the seal … and so, did it all over again … but yet, the monkey king was unhappy … he found out useless flaws in their work … and sent them again …

The men unrelentlessly did the entire quest again … but they were again sent back …

They finally completed their quest again … and this time decided … that they would have the monkey king’s head if he disagreed again …

So, this time, when the Monkey King again refused to grant them the seal … the lone ranger and his comrade trotted off the Monkey King … and tried to negotiate with him … which he did not .. of course …

So the comrade of the lone ranger, drew out his sword … and the lone ranger followed …

The monkey king, seeing the swords, wetted his diapers … and granted them and their comrades the seal …

Now, all the quests were over … and the mighty warriors were free to do whatever they pleased …

So, they rode off to their kingdoms … in the moonlight … amongst the shadows of the dark branches … devoid of leaves … through the jungles and the plains …

They all reached their destinations … their kingdoms … and lived happily ever after … promising to each other … that when their day comes, they would behead the Monkey King … and put his head in their showcase …

Perhaps the Monkey King had not heard the story of the Hippo princess … who was eventually beheaded by the warriors for being haughty and arrogant …

Dreaded stories are still told of their adventures with the Hippo Princess …

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Just a quick thing …

As we are on the topic of traffic jams, I would like to point you to a blog writted by a fellow puneite and a good friend … who has, in so many words, enunciated the conditions of Pune roads and how things get done … perfectly …

Head to :

http://makscrazywoild.blogspot.com/2004/10/highs-and-lows-of-pune-city-city-roads.html

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Pune has the highest number of two wheelers in the whole of Asia …. I think …

And this is very apparent to everyone … for the fact that you just have to step outside your house and if you can see, you will know …

Another reason that we can safely put to the equation is the utterly crappy public transportation system that exists …

Unlike Mumbai, we have no such locals to speak off … Most of them ply only between Pune, Nigdi side and towards Lonawala …

Earlier, we had the six seater … which were so much of a convenience … you could get one from anywhere within 5 minutes and they stoppped anywhere …

They were a pain on the road … but their merits took care of their flaws …

Anyways, the PMT ( Bus Transport ) people got cut off coz everyone preferred the six seaters ( tam tam … tam as from ‘tamatar ) and so, they got a court order and restricted these six seaters to certain routes … … and so, people suffered … and hence, everyone buying bikes makes perfect sense coz its cheaper – spending money on fuel, than going by bus ( Pune buses are the most expensive in the whole of India ) … even if your bike gives you a mileage of 40 kmpl … and besides, who can argue with the added convenience of a bike ?

Anyways, getting back to the point ….

I happened to partake in the festivites of a traffic jam the other day …

Now, I have been in jams … and many of them had nothing to do with traffic … but this jam was special … because it took me 17 whole minutes to travel a distance of 600 mts on a 4 lane road …

This is the maximum amount of time I have spent on any traffic jam … and so, I spent my time, constructively, observing my fellow homo sapiens sweating it out there in the 10 o’ clock sun.

Here is my thesis on traffic jams …

Now, traffic jams are caused due to the following factors :

A. Bad roads

B. Failure of traffic signals

C. Truck / Bus / Car breaking down in the middle of the road

D. Alien invasion

E. Incompetent traffic policemen

F. Avalanche / flash floods / mud slides / earthquakes / volcanoes and other such related natural phenomenon

G. Closure of some important bridge / main connecting roads

In my case, it was due to reasons A, B, E and G.

Normally, if you end up in situations D or F, I’d recommend leaving your vehicle as it is and running for your life …

In a traffic jam, there are the following different kinds of vehicles :

1. Buses / Trucks

These vehicles are the most well behaved … and they maintain their line … one behind another …

These slow moving creatures are the cause of many such jams because of their slow movement … and this causes tremendous heartache to two kinds of people …

(i) The people who are smart enough to juxtapose themselves in such a manner as to be in direct line of sight of their exhaust.

(ii) The miserable souls who end up in buses with deficieny in seats.

2. Cars & Jeeps

These are second to buses & trucks in behaving good. Second due to some ambitious Tom Cruise who thinks that he can probably turn his car 75 degrees to the left and then squeeze it between a bike and a rickshaw …

But mostly, these vehicles are well mannered … travelling at .005 kms / hour … listening to music and chilling out in the AC.

Even the auntys enjoy themselves as all they have to do is to follow the bus in front of them at speeds which they would otherwise be very comfortable in driving …

The blessing in disguise comes in the form of a hot chick sitting in the passenger seat of a car to the right of you … but these phenomenons are very rare and must not be counted upon.

3. The Cyclists

These people are the most confused lot. They are not able to comprehend what the hell they are doing in a traffic jam …

The reason is mainly because they do not come under the traffic category …

Objects coming under the traffic category, usually drive on the left side of the road and wait at traffic signals.

These people will wait for a while … some will get off, put their cycles on their heads and walk out … while the clever ones will get to the footpaths and fly … mocking the other mortals who look enviously at them while they get away …

4. The people on the bikes

Chaos theory has been discovered lately … but what the scientists failed to notice that it has been in practice in Pune ever since the invention of 2 wheelers …

People riding their two wheelers are masters at this form of art …

Any nook, any corner, any small passage available … and they are off …

People on bikes will make different formations automatically … as to move from point A to point B in a traffic jam … and in the process, opening more avenues …

All the members in this community are able to communicate using ESPs and can help each other out without saying a word or even looking at the other person …

5. The Rickshawalas

These people are the biggest bas***** on the roads. This quality is more personified during the course of a traffic jam. Basically, these people have a wrong pre conceived notion that they inherited the roads from their fathers when they started driving the rickshaw …

These are the most selfish and inconsiderate people on the road and will try to jam their big butted rickshaws into any crevice they can find …

Caution is needed against such creatures and no feeling of guilt whatsoever is to be felt when you drive rashly against these creatures …

Conclusion:

In conclusion, I would like to quote the wise old Murphy and remind you fellow human beings of the fundamental three laws of nature :

1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.

2. Everything takes longer than you think.

3. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

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